Goodbye my best pal

[Lupinegirl]

I can’t stop crying so I’m not going to go into a lot of detail now but I lost Nikki suddenly today. I woke him up, fed him breakfast, put him back to bed, and fully expected to see his sweet perky face looking back at me when I got home from my four day trip and first nights away from him in over three years. I never expected my uncle to text me while I was at the airport saying Nikki wasn’t doing well and they were going to the vet. Apparently he was panting a lot and laying on his side, lost control of his bowel movements, and lost consciousness and became unresponsive. I feel so horrible. I didn’t even get a good facial picture of him with his new haircut I gave him this week. I can’t believe he’s just gone! I wanted to go home right away but we’re sticking to our schedule to have a distraction from life for a little while. We think he had Cushings Disease since he had super swollen lymph nodes, the lump on his chest was growing, he had occasional spasms of pain (but always seemed to snap right out of them), and this past week when it was hot in the house (we don’t have air conditioning in my bedroom. In Arizona, blech.) he lost his appetite. The only thing he would eat was a hamburger patty.  Two days ago he started eating normally again and looking for more food so I thought “good! His appetite is back. He’ll be okay while I’m away.” I even made him more hamburgers for him to have while I was away and I gave him one for breakfast. Now those will go to waste but I don’t even care. I just want my baby back! I want this to be a bad dream! 

[Sam I Am]

I am so sorry. Such a shock for you. No words at the moment will make the hurt go away but just remember  all of us on this Forum understand the pain and loss you are feeling. Take care of yourself.

[Dianne]

I am so sorry. It is so painful.

Take care and try to remember the good and happy times in the moments of your grief.

He is with you still in memories of your special loving care. 

 

 

[Hillscreek]

oh Lupinegirl. So sorry for your loss. We feel we lost her too.

Very tough times. Our hearts go out to you.

[Kathryn]

Oh no! It is just so hard when you lose a dog quickly like that -- no time to build up some armor against the pain.  This is a place that understands your loss so, if you want to talk to rage or whatever about this, be sure to just come back and share here.  We all know how you feel, and we also feel for you.  Poor Nikki - my heart really goes out to you.

[bradl]

That's a gut punch  Thinking of you as you go through all the emotions you are entitled to. You have the company of many sharing your loss for whatever small comfort that may be. 

[Pepper Bug's Mom]

Oh noooo…..This breaks my heart - I am so sorry about Nikki - I dread the day when I lose Pepper - she is my heart and soul.  Just remember how much you and Nikki were a team and bonded at the heart.

[sanford]

There is never a good time for such a loss, but the horrible circumstances of losing Nikki in this way can only add to your grief! Please accept my heartfelt condolences at this sad time.

[pkcrossley]

it is so terrible to not be with them at the end. you did a great job with nikki, and he did his best for you. i'm so sorry to hear this. we have all been there, in some way. so sorry. 

Edited June 8, 2019 by pkcrossley

[hheldorfer]

How awful for you to lose Nikki under such circumstances.  I'm so very sorry.

[Lupinegirl]

Thanks everyone.  It is comforting to know how well you all understand.  Many of you have had many more dogs than me and gone through similar heartaches. I’m glad you will never tell me “it was just a dog.” I’m already getting some flack from my aunt and I haven’t even gotten back home yet.  

I think I would like another Cairn in the future but I am going to wait a few months until I move out of my aunt’s miner’s cabin and get some air conditioning back in my life. Phew!  I am not looking forward to returning to 100+ degree heat. I would never put a dog through that and I would not have yagreed to move out there if I had known what our living conditions were going to be. The house only had 30 kilowatts of electricity and my converted closet of a bedroom only has one electric outlet. Running all the floor fans  short circuited the house, and the oven is gas flame so the kitchen gets super hot every time I cook. I had to cook that last batch of hamburgers at eleven pm to keep from melting in the little kitchen. 

Still, even though I am somewhat grateful my precious Nikki no longer has to suffer any pain or heat discomfort with me, I still miss him just about every hour. I’ve been around dogs my whole life but Nikki was the first that I got to raise and train as a pup, and I still remember our very first days together, fourteen years ago.  He was really uncertain about everything and fought me like the devil when I first put a collar and leash on him. I didn’t know a three month old puppy could rear up and twist around like a bronco!  I remember when he discovered the squeaker in his very first squeaky toy (a little American Kennel Club plush rabbit.) I remember his soft, confused expression and his puppy ears. How he’d alternate which one stayed folded and which one rose. By day two, he was my best pal and literally did not want to let me out of his sight. He curled up right next to my foot for a nap while I was talking to a neighbor.  So precious! He snuggled against my leg when we laid down together to cool off in front of the fans this past Thursday and I was pleased and surprised that he got so close to me and slept that deeply for two hours.  We normally gave each other space on my bed to keep from overheating. None of m family’s previous dogs had bed privileges but Nikki was such a sneaky stinker, I didn’t trust him alone on the floor outside of a crate until he was about eight years old. He liked looking for things to investigate. He stayed nosey to the end, exploring every inch he could waddle into, and back out of on his own. 

We had a lot of battles of will power and he tried his darndest to make the rules but once I learned a lot about patience and figured out how to set things up so that he could not fail to please me, we clicked. We both knew what every breath the other uttered meant. We had a silent language all our own, and he amazed me with his intelligence, personality, placability, sensitivity, sensibility, calmness, and sweetness. I love all animals and I have deeply loved other dogs before him, but the bond we had was so special. I already miss the sound of his breathing and feeling him shift around on my bed. I never thought I would want to share my sleeping space with an animal. I wrote about some of our territory battles here and immortalized our greatest “discussion” in the King Cairn thread. Lol.  I also wrote about how amazed I was when Nikki sat down to silently watch twin baby fawns in our yard instead of chasing them, and how gentlemanly he was with the first human toddler he’d been around since he was a pup. How he took so much care to avoid putting the slightest bit of pressure on her tender little hand while he asked for his ball back. 

I loved the baby powder sweetness of his silky, non-typical fur. I did not bathe him at all this year and he smelled just as sweet every day, even after sunbathing. He never got the rank oily odor our Westie from my childhood got when he got hot. Nikki’s feet smelled warm and kind of salty and milky. They never got a cornchip smell, thankfully, so he never had a yeast infection there. 

He was a high maintenance dog, as far as taking care of his emotions went. I had to give up seeing fireworks even on tv with any sound on because any kind of boom scared him and he was inconsolable for at least two hours after every storm. I had to make sure he got a special treat when he saw me get out a suitcase and I had to pack and unpack every item under close supervision with him laying on my feet. He was my closest companion every time I was super sick, although he was not the best emotional support dog. Lol. When I reached out to him to hug and pet him and dry my tears, he moved away from me. He panicked when I put him on my dad’s hospital bed during his last days for them to say goodbye. Nikki did not understand but he knew a pack member went missing. He kept looking for Dad at the time Dad would normally return home from work. He kept track of time and worried about Mom, too, when she was working. But even though he would get nervous when a pack member was missing, he did not cry for them or get as clingy and needy for them as he did for me. He could not stand for me to be out of his sight from more than twenty minutes. When he lost his hearing and some of his vision, it became difficult for him to keep track of me in our own house. I had to touch him for him to know where I was. That was all it took flr him to be reassured.

He got some of his hearing back after we started him on antibiotics for his teeth, and it comforted me seeing him sigh happily and “purr” when he could hear me sing again. This was such a precious moment for both of us this past Thanksgiving since he could not hear me at all last summer. 

I could go on and on about my sweet boy but I’ll stop here for now. Needless to say, we loved, trusted, and understood each other. That is the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. 

 

[pkcrossley]

i think one of the reasons cairns and people bond so strongly is because it takes time and work to get their trust. they want humans they can respect and they are willing to fight to make sure we pass the test. you and nikki were lucky to have each other. he lived a a long and blessed life. 

[sanford]

Dear Lupine Girl, Thank you for your beautiful tribute to Nikki. So much of what you described is true for many of our cairns - and in sharing those traits, we all share some of the pain and ache of your loss. The description of your life with Nikki makes me realize how natural and appropriate it is for us to identify with these companions of our hearts, but sadly, the result is that when we lose them, we also lose part of ourselves. 

When the time is right, you'll have another cairn to fill your heart and your life - and surprise you with joy once again!

Edited June 10, 2019 by sanford

[Dempsy's Mom]

So sorry.  He was such a sweet boy.  Reminds me of Dempsy.  Loved the video ... his little snoozes at the end  ... precious soul.  It's heavy and stings when we lose our best friends.  Thinking of you in South Dakota. 

[Kathryn]

What a lovely video that is of such a charming little dog.  I too love those little snores at the end. I am glad you captured this moment, and I understand again how hard it is to lose such a wonderful friend and companion. 

[Lupinegirl]

I’m having a really hard time today. I keep missing everything I’ve lost: father, house, possessions and especially Nikki. Normally I’d give him some scratches and a hug for comfort. Not having my buddy here to walk or dote on is driving me crazy. Petting a plush is just not the same.  

[sanford]

I always enjoyed reading your posts about Nikki, and I can only try to guess how sad you must be for losing him... The price we all pay for loving our companions so much. I hope you'll find some solace and strength to help get you through this time of grieving the painful losses in your life. 

[pkcrossley]

it is hard to understand what loss is for. i think it may be about life --the way you value the lives of nikki and your family, the way you can turn that into more love for dogs and people not yet in your life. it is hard to get there, and even after you get there, the hurt may be be the same --but with meaning.

[Idaho Cairns]

Here's a requiem from our girls to/for your Nikki.  From hard experience I know the pain you suffer but would remind you that our Cairns see/feel life and death differently than we humans--they don't see the future and they resolve the past in their simple non-cluttered way.  They come, they love, they enjoy, they rest in true peace--every day and every night not knowing or understanding your or my insights.
You gave Nikki everything you could and if he could have he would have thanked you for all those good years and wonderful moments.  
Turn loose of what might have been and let yourself appreciate all of the good as payment in full for the pain you feel this day.
Of course we care but we also know the passing is final and hard to resolve except for time, which heals.

[Sam I Am]

Life can sure be a heart ache at times, but somehow the passing of time does heal us, teaches us to except it’s changes and to hopefully grow from them. The human spirit is amazing and I am sure you will find the strength to do just that. Nothing will replace Nikki but there is a dog out there just waiting for you to love. Please  take care of yourself as your Cairn family wishes nothing more than happiness for you as demonstrated by the posts.

[Lupinegirl]

Thank you, everyone.  That’s an adorable picture.

I did meet a Yorkie at the airport while waiting (at the wrong gate) to board the plane home and he was at the stage Nikki probably would have been in if he’d lived another year. The Yorkie was sixteen, blind and deaf and easily startled and confused by everything.  His owner let me pet him but even after letting him sniff my hand, the poor little dear still shook and twisted his head this way and that trying to figure out who was touching him.  I remember how confused and lost my pup was when he lost track of me and couldn’t find me just a few feet away from him. I hated scaring him by touching him but he couldn’t seem to find me by any of his senses on his own. I was so glad he was spared some of that confusion when some of his hearing returned, and I’m grateful I didn’t have to see him reach that point in his life where he couldn’t understand anything going on around him.  He was such an inquisitive little thinker; it was a blessing that he could remain that way up to his last hours.

I hope I don’t end up having to move to an apartment that doesn’t allow dogs. I’ve only been without a dog once in my life, and part of that lonely year was spent researching breeds, animal shelters, mixed breeds, checking the pound for any small non-Chihuahua type dogs, buying newspapers to check their classified sections, signing up for Col. Potter’s Cairn rescue, etc.  I had hope and my father fueling me on then. 

 I have not signed back up for Col. Potter because, even though I have a fenced yard now for the first time, I don’t plan on living here for more than a few months. The house is in a state of disrepair and it has a ton of garbage and poisonous or burr filled plants around the perimeter inside the fence (all junk from the owner I am renting from) that Nikki had enough sense to leave alone, but a new dog would want to investigate. There’s also several badly patched crawl spaces under the house that a determined Cairn would have no trouble finagling its way into, and a low spot in the fence that even Nikki could have climbed up and jumped out of if he’d had the willpower, and I live right by a major highway.  If I wasn’t renting from a family member, I’d complain, but as it is, the family member acts like I owe her, even though I’m doing her a favor by providing upkeep and yard cleanup services and not complaining about the lack of electrical outlets and air conditioning, and having to share water with her in a desert.  I couldn’t even shower one day because I ran out of water and I hadn’t even been using it aside from the toilet and sink!

I have the time and means to take care of a dog now, but I definitely do not have the right home.  (Although a very small spiteful part of me feels interior damage from a new pup wouldn’t be noticeable on top of the wear and tear this smelly old rental already had before I moved in. The only damage a new pup could add is chewed furniture. The floors and walls are already gross looking.)

Bleh. I shouldn’t complain and I know things will work out one way or another eventually.  I just have to be patient for now. It’s just really hard to be alone during this time in my life when I’m already adjusting to so many changes. I have my faith to carry me through and my mother’s love and that will be enough. I just wish I had a little bit more support and something...normal to cling to. Now I just have painful memories and Mom, and I’m worried I’ll lose her too soon, too. It’s hard to take care of her needs and be emotionally supportive for her when I feel so broken. 

 

On a side note, I have been to the Humane Society in town a few times to walk and socialize their dogs. I know I won’t find a Cairn or a recognizable breed of terrier there, but when I heal some, I can go there for some hands-on canine healing. I know that, even if I can’t own a dog for a long time, there are ways to keep animals in my life. I’ll just need to be more proactive in finding those ways.  

Edited June 18, 2019 by Lupinegirl

[Wacenturion]

So very sorry to hear of your loss.  It is so hard to lose a pet.  Time is a healer.

 

[pkcrossley]

not sure how it is in your area, but around here that are many apartments that allow dogs, though there is usually a surcharge of $50 or $75 dollars. seems like you need some time on your own to sort things out, but you check with a new landlord about the options, just for future reference. walking dogs for the humane society is brilliant, you might be surprised where it leads you. but an interval without a dog is definitely no reason to not check in with cairntalk!

[sanford]

On 6/18/2019 at 1:45 AM, Lupinegirl said:

...I have been to the Humane Society in town a few times... I know I won’t find a Cairn or a recognizable breed of terrier there...

I found a wheaten Cairn named Dorothy at the NYC Humane Society many years ago. I found my Ruffy, a red wheaten, at an upstate SPCA shelter 9 years ago. I did a "shelter pull" for a brindle Cairn at Animal Care and Control here in NYC, and drove him to NJ. So take heart: small, cairn-sized dogs and other recognizable breeds don't often languish in shelters for very long, but they do show up from time to time!

[Hillscreek]

You just never know when, or where from, your next cairn friend will come.

Wonderful that you are caring for doggies that need some help. Chat to people you meet here and there about cairns and terriers in general. Word gets around.

Just go day by day. Time will heal. And when your next friend comes you will find a place to live for the both of you.