Grieving After Loss

[kjwarnold]

Just thought I'd share how we're doing after we lost Packy.  Kirby is grieving and it's difficult to watch.  He was always our happy-go-lucky, goofy, active boy.  Now that Packy is gone (it's been about 5 weeks), he's become much quieter, watches us closely and just doesn't seem as happy.  He's also developed an aversion to larger dogs (except ones he knows) and reacts with aggressive growling.  He also decided yesterday that he doesn't want to eat the freeze-dried raw food we've been feeding and will only eat kibble.

I've talked with our breeder and she explained it this way.  In normal dog pack life, the alpha dog ages and the younger dog learns and gradually takes the lead.  In our life, Packy was Kirby's rock, he ran the show (even if it was quietly) and Kirby just had a fun little life with no responsibilities.  We lost Packy suddenly instead of a gradual aging and loss, so Kirby is all of a sudden without his rock, his compass.  Geez, this makes me weepy as I type it, I feel so bad for him.  Anyway, he's trying to adapt to his new role after 8 years of being the fun guy.  Added to that, he has Addison's Disease and his body can't handle stress well, either good or bad.  I've talked with the Addison's folks and we're going to increase his daily Pred for a while to help him physically handle the changes.  Emotionally, he'll just have to work through it.  

It's interesting how dogs react to changes in their lives and their position in our family, the pack.  Honestly, I think Packy was my rock, too.  My lap is lonely without him in the mornings and it feels weird going for walks without two dogs.  DH has an empty hand with no leash.  I know we'll be a two Cairn family again.

[LindaMC]

I'm so sorry that you are all going through this, especially Kirby.  When we had to let our German Shepherd Tess go, who was the light of Maisie's life, we saw a drastic change in her for awhile.  She would look for her constantly and wasn't the perky little rough neck that she was when Tess was here.  She would lay around all day and she would sit by the slider sometimes for hours just staring out in to the yard, as if she was remembering all the fun times her and Tess had out there.  It broke our hearts.  I tried to spend more time with her but it wasn't working at first, it took her a while to get over losing Tess and they were only together for 3 years.  As time went by, she began to slowly pull out of it and now it seems that she likes being the only dog.  I'm hoping that the same thing will happen for Kirby.  Packy was such a huge part of Kirby's life for a long time but hopefully time will heal his heart, like they say time heals all wounds.  

I hope you are doing okay and when you are all ready, adding another Cairn to your pack sounds like a great idea, I'm sure that will cheer Kirby up.  He will have a new roll to play as being the big brother or sister....should prove to be very interesting.

Edited September 18, 2016 by LindaMC

[Idaho Cairns]

That surviving dog grieving has driven us to acquire puppies withing a couple of months of losing a dog--I agree it is difficult to experience--for the surviving dog and the humans.  It is almost unbearable watching the ravages of lost companionship, so we have given in rather than prolong the suffering and it has worked wonderfully for us and for the surviving dog. 
I certainly understand what you are going thru--it's tough.

[Rylee's mama]

I send hugs to you and Kirby. I am so sorry you and him have to go through this time of grief and sadness.I hope giving Kirby a fun and quirky puppy will bring him out of this grief or at least takes his mind off of it.

Edited September 18, 2016 by Rylee's mama

[Malcolm's Dad]

This is off topic but I have to talk my parrot Oscar. He bonded with my father and called him Grandpa. All he had to do was say Grandpa and he would get anything he wanted. Grandpa had a stroke and the nursing homes were terrible so we brought him home to take care of him. We put Oscar's cage in his bedroom so he could be with his Grandpa. Grandpa passed away so we put the cage back in the living room where Oscar could be with everyone else. I would let him out of the cage. He would walk to Grandpa's bedroom and look around for Grandpa until I put him back in his cage. This broke my heart, he really missed his Grandpa.

Sorry to go off on a bird response. I am amazed how our pets bond with each other and grieve their loss. Kirby really misses Packy. The forum misses Packy too. A young Cairn would be a nice gift to Kirby. It would be a new role for Kirby.

[Sam I Am]

Oh KJW my heart is aching at reading your message. For  you, your family and Kirby. Every time I go through an animal crisis and loss, I say to myself, never again. I don't ever want to experience such heart ache again. But then I realize that my life is incomplete without a dog. I whole heartedly agree with Chuck about getting a new pup. I know for me When we lost one and brought a new pup into the house, I would feel guilty, unfaithful of the dog that died. But we are also pack animals, as are our dogs, and when a new life comes into the household, so does a new energy, new beginnings and somehow the grief starts to lesson. 

We never forget and I don't think our surviving animals do either, perhaps in a different way, but memories are binding. Rosie to this day, when I pick up Jocks jar of ashes and his collar, will run from anywhere in the house, whimper, licks the collar and jar, ears pasted back, tail wagging. Now that's love...true blue love.

[Autumn & Lola]

I cannot begin to match the beauty of these responses, and I've never had two dogs at the same time, but I am so sad for you, your family and for Kirby.  When you are all ready, I hope a new puppy soothes some of the heartache.

[hheldorfer]

How sad to read of Kirby's grief, and how sad to hear how it has affected your lives.  Dogs bond closely with each other - even dogs who don't live together.  Buffy had a 'boyfriend' once - Bullet, a mixed breed who lived a few doors down.  Whenever we passed by his house Buffy would insist on stopping.  The two of them only saw and sniffed each other through the chain link fence but they obviously liked each other.  Bullet died suddenly and Buffy was lost - nobody was at the fence to greet her.  It certainly wasn't the strong bond that Packy and Kirby had but it left Buffy sad and confused.

I hope that soon Kirby will have a little brother or sister to brighten his days.

 

[Hillscreek]

Dog grieving over loss of doggie buddy is hard. Dog grieving over loss of human friend just as bad. It was like with Oscar for us. We had a brother/sister pair of jrts at one time. The female was was my partner's dog, the male bonded with me. When my partner passed away little Judy, "his" dog was never the same. For a month she sat waiting for him. And ignoring me. When she finally did come to me it was with tolerance - not with love. It was very, very difficult because of course I wasn't in too great a shape myself as you can imagine. We had a couple of retrievers as well at the time. Eventually she began to enjoy our walks again and eventually of course I did.

No doubt Kirby is grieving and has a big empty spot in his life as you do. I hope a new friend will soon to make all your lives joyful again.

[Lynn in TN]

I hate what your family is going through. I know the pain all too well. It is so hard to lose a loved one and hard to watch others grieving as well.

I have known people that would say I'll never have another pet again. Very few actually stick to it. Love is what makes life worth living, I can't imagine being without out it. I have found the only thing that softens the grieving is loving others. You never forget the ones you lose, you're just adding more love to your life.

In my case the sooner the better. I can't think of anything better than training a puppy when grieving. They keep you so busy with their antics, there is less time to hurt. It's not forgetting the hurt, just less time to dwell on it. It seems to work that way with pets as well.

Praying for your hurting family. Sending love and hugs your way.

[josie&holly]

I hope that you get another dog to keep Kirby company.  It is very difficult when a dog is grieving as you cannot decide what to do for them.

I am glad that I got Ivy before Holly died as they had three months together and Ivy did look for Holly for a short time afterwards but then got on with being a puppy.  But it helped me enormously to have Ivy as she occupied my mind and stopped me from being alone.  I still miss Holly though.

[pkcrossley]

so sorry for kirby. dogs and parrots are actually very deep people. cats too, surprisingly --i've seen cats in our family pine for months and years for lost human dads and moms. i'm telling i had a fish that became pale and listless for weeks after its companion died (and this was not even a bonded pair of african cichlids). distraction. lots of human friendliness. break up the routines. they have plenty of room in their hearts for new companions. 

[_whits_]

Sorry to hear Kirby is taking this loss so hard, although I can't imagine there's any other way to react to losing a buddy like Packy. Hopefully he can adjust to being top dog, and when the time is right you can find new friend and Kirby can pass on the lessons he learned from Packy. 

Growing up, I had a mother and daughter JRT who really didn't care much for each other (they weren't unkind, they just kind of ignored each other) and the daughter didn't appear to grieve the mother, especially when it meant she was practically smothered in cuddles during my grieving. Then I had a brother and sister Maltese and the brother was lost suddenly at a young age to a coyote and his sister looked for him for about a week and then carried on like all was normal. I think that's part of the reason I'll not get related pups as an adult; I'm not sure if it was how my parents raised them or if it's the nature of blood relatives, but both pairs never seemed particularly bonded. 

I will say the nearly three years between the loss of my last childhood dog (and the last dog left my parent's house; she passed when I was in graduate school) and when I adopted Addie (my first pet as an adult) was incredibly difficult. Even though I was at college and grad school during Autumn the Maltese's last years, I always knew she'd be there when I visited my parents and she was still as much "my" dog as she ever was growing up (considering my parents did most of the work during my childhood and teen years). Not having her in the house when I visited, and not having any dog in my life was, frankly, miserable. Addie is a special dog because she is the first that is 100% mine, but she sure filled a gaping hole I didn't realize was as bad as it was until I held some puppy fluff and love in my arms again. 

[sanford]

On September 19, 2016 at 4:56 PM, pkcrossley said:

...i had a fish that became pale and listless for weeks after its companion died (and this was not even a bonded pair of african cichlids)...

An article in yesterday's New York Times described goldfish as having  "complex cognitive abilities", can learn to do tricks, can hear underwater - and can distinguish Bach from Stravinsky!

[kjwarnold]

26 minutes ago, sanford said:

An article in yesterday's New York Times described goldfish as having  "complex cognitive abilities", can learn to do tricks, can hear underwater - and can distinguish Bach from Stravinsky!

Wow, how interesting!

[Dempsy's Mom]

Feel bad for you all.  I know that we will go through the same thing with Dempsy and Elsie.  Their worlds are filled with each others companionship.  Of course they will grieve - they are only human - and it leaves such a huge gap in their little lives.  I am betting that you will break down and add another cairn to Kirby's world but until then I hope you will all find peace.    

[tlwtheq]

I know, firsthand, what you mean about Kirby feeling lost and out of touch.  It has taken a little over a month, but adopting 4-year old Nelly for 14-year old Teddy has turned out to be a good move.  No question Teddy is dying, but the combination of the Chinese herb regimen and the presence of Nelly have improved Teddy's quality of life immensely.  Teddy watches and waits with Nelly at the front door, (wooden door open, glass door locked) for the world to go by.  Nelly tells Teddy when it's time to bark, and time to be excited about going outside or having a treat.  Teddy has transferred his ear-licking behavior to Nelly, tho' I'm not sure she appreciates it.  She walks away after a few minutes (I think Teddy's breath smells from being sick.)  True to Cairn behaviour traits, Nelly is an individual we had not yet met.  She is making a difference for all of us.

Maybe bringing home a young adult for Kirby might help him adjust with regard to the loss of Packy.  I have no idea whether that would help;  just a suggestion about a possibility.

Love to you and your family,

Tara