HELP! Need heartfelt advice

[Kathryn]

Thanks for the giggle, Idaho!

[Hillscreek]

Hey Kathryn I see it is your birthday today! Celebrate it by standing up for your family and politely but firmly telling the others what your house rules are when they visit. No matter whether one is young or old stuff happens and we have to stand up and deal with it. You can't be all things to all people. Can't let others dictate to you and or boss you. Have to have priorities - your family first, others after. Sounds like you are a kind and loving person being taken advantage of.

Enjoy your break with loving folk and have a great birthday Lots of support here

[pkcrossley]

very sorry you have to go through all this. you clearly value these people and your relationship, and i think for that reason if none other it will eventually all get worked out. by one means or another your bonus daughter seems to have worked some pretty unrealistic expectations --dogs that don't bark, and obey immediately? has she seen that somewhere? she seems determined to pass these unrealistic expectations on to her daughter, whether the daughter wants them or not. i can only recommend that you draw the line firmly but lovingly, and always let them know that apart from laying down laws for you in your own house, they are always welcome and nothing fundamental has changed.  i hope they can adapt, if not actually grow, since you clearly want them in your life.  

Edited April 21, 2016 by pkcrossley

[utgaard]

I am very sorry you've been put in this position.  I certainly sounds like you do a lot for this family and the parents, rather than seeing generosity on your part, appear to believe it is their right.  I hope you can find a way to continue being involved with your bonus grand daughter without enabling her parents. 

 

As long as we're telling stories - I've only had one guest in my house who tried to tell me what to do with my dogs.  I had 20 or so relatives over a few years ago at Christmas.  One of them asked me to put the dogs away while we ate dinner.  I declined, saying that my dogs do not beg.  She repeated her request a couple more times.  I finally said that the dogs would curl up under the table and there wouldn't be any problems unless she was planning on eating down there with them.   She sat at the table and the dogs were perfect gentlemen.

[Kathryn]

After 24 hours and mulling over the discussion, I have come to the conclusion that - whatever happens -- BG will not ever visit our home while I own this dog or any dog.  And I hope to someday pass a wonderful dog onto someone else because I am dead and can no longer care for it. This is based on (1) their unwillingness to listen to information about or learn about dog behavior, (2) their extreme responses to actions I simply perceive as "doggy," and not worthy of the severe concerns they expressed, and (3) their exaggerations of the intent or impact of my dog's simple actions (jumping, barking, woo-hooing, etc.). 

Here is an example I would have chuckled at had they not had such an extreme response: in California, we often sat on the floor in the living room.  At one point Oban started to "hump" BG's arm.  I simply pushed him away and said "cut it out." He stopped. BD, though, wanted to know if the dog was being sexual, and I said it was just a common dominance behavior of some dogs...but yesterday, she said "Your dog tried to DOMINATE my daughter!" Now seriously, haven't your dogs done this at some time? I see dogs - not just mine -- do this to each other at the dog park all the time, and occasionally on the leg or arm of a person in their house. A neighbor's dog humps his bed pillow several times a day. My dog did not dress up in black leather, whips, chains and high heels and try to "DOMINATE" her daughter.  I do stop him if he humps, but I have never given it any serious worry...and I don't think it warrants it.

Finally, I told them yesterday that I cannot -- and no one can - quarantee that a dog will never bite someone. And because I believe they would make any dog's life a holy hell if he snapped at their daughter, she is simply not going to be allowed in the house.  Given all the factors, a one-percent chance is too much.

[hheldorfer]

Oh, Kathryn . . . the mental picture of Oban dressed up in black leather and heels cracked me up.

Buffy tries to hump Ziggy all the time (we stop her) and Ziggy occasionally tries the same thing with Buffy (Buffy stops him).  It's normal, non-sexual dog behavior and to interpret it as anything more is just plain silly.  

I think you have made the right choice by refusing to give in to their demands and you're absolutely right:  If there is even a minuscule chance that Oban would ever snap at the child, it's best to keep the child out of the house.

 

[Dempsy's Mom]

Happy Birthday Kathryn and have a fun day with your aunt.  Life goes on.

In a very unrelated matter, but yet heavily on my mind and heart, are the choices we make and the consequences.  Today we put away a man on 4 counts of sexually molesting his 9 yr old daughter.  The scary part is that if you met this man - you would like him.  So BD attitudes seem trivial and dumb.  

Stay busy Kathryn, surround yourself with things you enjoy, try not to dwell, to much, on the hurtful things said.  Enjoy your trip. 

[Kathryn]

Ouch, Lori. I think that might be the hardest kind of jury case I could imagine.  And thanks - hard not to "dwell" right now - this is hard.

I want another birthday in about a month so I can enjoy it! Do you want to come over, bring Elsie and Demps  - and we could do the "dog-friendly" activities here? Go to the outside patios where our drinks come with dog water and treats for our pups? Take the dogs swimming at the river dogpark? Let them chase the chipmunk who has moved into my back yard? If could be fun! 

After both my week and yours, I think we both deserve it...

[Dempsy's Mom]

Agreed - we have both had a tuff week dealing with people.  Visiting sounds like so much fun.  I would love too!  Who can I get to plant 2500 acres of corn and 2500 acres of soybeans?  The sun just came out today and we have one field done.  Waiting for Jim to get moved to another field - then I am going to ask him if he needs seed and then I am going to bed with my dogs.  Dogs.  If they only knew how much they do for us .... they would probably blackmail us.   Seriously though we should make time sometime - I would enjoy that.

[pkcrossley]

bonus daughter needs to know: there are 73 million dogs in the US. she can either start teaching her daughter how to deal with them, or she can start emailing the 43 million dog-owning households with her rules of behavior, and see how that works. 

[Pepper Bug's Mom]

I can't imagine my life without Pepper - she really is a comfort to me....

 

[_whits_]

Kathryn, sorry you've had to deal with this.

You, your husband, and Oban are always welcome in Alexandria and Oban and Addie can go Cairn crazy all they want. 

In this house, the best part of my day is when I come home from work and Addie howls and chews on my ears in excitement at my return.